Chengdon't

A middle-aged man dressed in a full cucumber outfit strides confidently onstage, and the audience (all dressed in matching yellow t-shirts and hats) go ballistic, furiously clacking pairs of plastic hands together. A brass band strikes up, and Cucumber man is joined onstage by other cheery men dressed as vegetables. They all begin to sing a rousing march together. Its twenty-past six on a Saturday night, I’m sat on my sofa watching CCTV 7’s flagship variety show ‘Happy village’ (快乐乡村), and I’m a little confused.

From everyday obstacles to life here like fielding questions on my private life, finances and bodyweight to first time blogger favourites such as spitting and queue-jumping, I’d like to think that there aren’t too many ‘cultural differences’ between China and the west that time and a little patience hasn’t helped to overcome. However, one aspect of life here that this yang gui zi has never come to grips with is the world of Chinese television.

For those who don’t speak the language (as I didn’t when I first arrived), Chinese TV is experienced almost exclusively through the part-robot part-South African accents of the CCTV9 presenters as they earnestly explain the intricacies of 17^th century Ming pottery. Even those who dare to venture into the Chinese language jungle and use TV as listening practise are greeted by dubbed Korean soaps, dramas from ancient China and those ubiquitous shows where people fall from inflatable objects into stagnant pools of water.

Although the internet is now fundamentally changing the ‘shared experience factor’ television provided for people around the world for so many years, families in China still regularly congregate around the television for weekends and holidays (especially the Spring Festival Gala), and according to friends and colleagues they seem to enjoy what they see. So I found myself thinking – have I judged Chinese TV too quickly and harshly?

In the interest of science, I decided to invite impartial observer John over to explain things from a Chinese point of view, and we settled down with tea and scones for some Saturday evening televisual entertainment. We watched a show until either I understand what was happening or John got bored, and gave each show a ‘Western confusion rating’ (WRC) and a ‘Chinese confusion rating’ (CCR) to indicate our respective comprehension levels. 1 = complete understanding 10 = eh?

Results for the individual shows can be found below, but generally – and despite some initial bewilderment at the moment of channel change – with a bit of time and explanation most of the shows were actually very similar to prime-time TV anywhere else. Pop idol style ‘sing and vote’ shows, top entrepreneur programs and cooking demonstrations dominate the airwaves, and although a little less polished, were no better or worse than their Western counterparts. Should I be surprised at this? Probably not. Will this lead me to watch more TV? I somehow doubt it, but should I get a hankering for singing cucumbers or rowing digger trucks it’s good to know there’s an option…

(17:30) CCTV3 – ‘Wanna Challenge?’ (乡挑战吗?). Cut to: A foreigner sitting in a digger truck mounted on a floating pontoon. He appears to be using the digger arm to ‘row’ the pontoon forward, while 3 polished young Chinese look on from a studio. According to John, celebrities come on the show, are presented with someone performing a challenge and have to guess if they will succeed or fail. The losers then suffer a forfeit. Although initially bemusing, the show quickly settled into a fairly western format similar to classic British TV show ‘You Bet’ with Chinese characteristic…

WCR: 4/10 CCR: 3/10

(18.05) SCTV5 – ‘Idiot General’ (傻儿司令). Cut to: an elderly hunchbacked man kicking a policeman up the bottom, while a rotund man in old-school military uniform looks on. John informed me this is one of Sichuan’s most famous TV series, and based on the true story of General Fan Peng Ju, famous in olden times for helping people fight bad guys.

WCR: 7/10 CCR: 2/10

(18.20) CDTV5 – ‘The story of Guo Kui’ (锅魁的故事). Cut to: a chef instructing his audience on how to prepare traditional Sichuan snack ‘guo kui’ (flat breads that are baked, then split and filled like sandwiches or stuffed with meat or sweet things and then sometimes pan fried). This was quickly followed by a series of adverts for restaurants that served guo kui.

WCR: 4/10 CCR: 1/10

(18.35) Emei Movie Channel – ‘Con Air’ (Chinese language). Big-budget blockbuster featuring Mandarin-speaking Hollywood stars Nicolas Cage and John Cusack. A little violent for my taste, but John was impressed with the stunts and surely the highlight of the film for me was Steve Buscemi’s Beijing burr.

WCR: 2/10 CCR: 7/10

Number 15 – Ciggie Smalls

When leaving the office on Monday evening, the front door to our office building was blocked by two young ladies in matching white uniforms handing out what at first glance looked like information pamphlets.  However, they seemed to be extremely popular with the young men working in my building, and on closer examination they were from the ‘Pride Cigarette Company’, and were handing our free samples of their produce in nice little sample packs (see above).

Being from a country where even displaying an advertisement for cigarettes, let along smoking one indoors in a public place, is now illegal does still seem a little strange to me.  However, in a country where around 70% of the adult male population enjoys a regular puff, this type of thing really shouldn’t have come as too much of a surprise.

Number 14 – April Fool!

Not really a photo, but a truly special gag played by one Taipei daily on their unsuspecting public who, being already a little sensitive about issues involving the mainland, took the bate and went absolutely ballistic… (click on the picture to read the article).

Huanglongxi Ancient Town (黄龙溪古镇).  ‘Crouching tourist hidden peddler’

Not to be confused with the town of the same name close to Jiuzhaigou in the north of Sichuan, Huanglongxi Ancient Town is located a bone-rattling 45 minute drive south west of downtown Chengdu, through the blazing yellow rapeseed fields and eye-watering amounts of new out-of-town developments.  Most guidebooks describe it as a ‘quaint old Chinese town’ with examples of Qing dynasty (1644-1911) architecture, and perhaps for this very reason some of the acrobatic rooftop scenes of ‘Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon’ were filmed here.

A scene that didn't make the film?

Whether the film’s popularity had any bearing on the town’s fate is unclear, but it seems that in the last few years Huanglongxi has received a significant makeover.  Just as many crumbling British or French castles are made up to feel ‘old-new’, so antique oriental construction (with modern characteristics) is now all the rage.  Judging by the number of punters milling around the reconstructed buildings on a cold Wednesday in March, Huanglongxi has hit its intended target with domestic tourists, with the town chock-full of tour groups in brightly coloured hats and matching t-shirts.

In and around the town there is certainly no shortage of things to tempt the spend-happy traveller, with shops offering all manner of tourist paraphernalia from local handicraft items like flower-crowns to the more uniform ‘waving cat’ nick-nacks.  Guests are also offered the chance to dress up as a Chinese Concubine or a Terracotta Warrior by enterprising clothing/photography stores, which seemed extremely popular with the town’s younger population.  For the more sedate day-tripper, the town has a number of quiet temples dotted around which have so far escaped the renovation.

There are almost infinite snacking opportunities, with the town boasting copious amounts of riverside tea houses, where insistent peddlers sell black sesame cake, peanuts and rabbit heads, and offer massages and ear-cleaning.  Gourmands can even sample the local delicacy ‘green bean’ curd, where the beans are ground down in stone mills before being boiled and served soft, squidgy and almost impossible to grasp with your chopsticks.

Huanglongxi ancient town, much like its mother country, is full of colour and contrast.  For seasoned people-watchers, observing the Chinese at play is a fascinating spectator sport, and therefore for this reason alone the town (or one like it) is worth a visit.  However, partly due to the extensive and ongoing renovations, if you are looking for tasteful examples of Chinese structural design and traditional ways of life perhaps you would be best to try more untouched areas further a-field in Sichuan.